How to Thrive in a Long Distance Relationship
It really IS possible!
By the time we reach middle age, most of us have learned that life is full of surprises. Some of those surprises are hard to swallow–like when a midlife divorce puts you back on the dating scene. But they could also bring richness, growth, and joy to your life, too. A long distance relationship has been one of those surprises for me.
I didn't walk into online dating looking for a long distance relationship. I was simply open to the idea and curious about what men this experience might introduce me to. I intentionally “cast a big net,” setting my geographical preferences to anywhere within my state rather than limited to my city, which isn’t a great place to meet singles at any age. I wanted to see who was swimming in my metaphorical pond, according to the dating app I was using. In a world that seems to get smaller every day due to technology and social media, why the heck not expand my boundaries? My search was, quite literally, as big as Texas.
It is not all that uncommon to intentionally date outside of where a person lives. If you live in a small city or town, it can feel like everyone knows everyone, and you might prefer to keep your dating life a little more private. It also isn’t uncommon to “accidentally'' meet someone out of town if you open your dating app when traveling and it matches you with someone in your new location.
Another possibility is that, even though you have tight geographical preferences, someone with broader parameter settings reaches out on the app to say hi, and quickly you discover that this out-of-towner is someone you want to meet. This is how my boyfriend and I initially met online. He thought I was half an hour away when we started chatting, only to find out later that it's actually 5 hours. So, I’m not exactly the girl next door. Lo and behold, a long distance relationship was born.
If you too find yourself drawn to someone that lives further than you would like, take it from me, there are plenty of good reasons to consider giving the long distance relationship a chance.
The Gift of Communication
Communication is the foundation of any relationship, but often we depend on being together in order to have the deeper, more vulnerable conversations that build emotional intimacy. With physical proximity, you can read someone’s body language to tell if they are paying attention and how they are reacting to what you are saying. That can help you feel safe enough to be vulnerable with thoughts and feelings.
In a long distance dating relationship, you don’t have physical proximity, so you have to be willing to do things differently and get outside your comfort zone. It is possible to establish phone calls, emails, and video chats as a safe place to be authentic so you can build and experience that feeling of connectedness.
In the beginning, my boyfriend and I got to know each other through a series of pretty deep emails; I think it felt like a safer place to get vulnerable and test out the other person’s response. We don’t email much anymore, but continue to make space for deeper connection with weekly zoom dates. These look a lot like an in-person date: we dress for a date night, don’t answer our cell phones, and try to eliminate other distractions. We’ve learned to bring curiosity and empathy for what the other person is experiencing that week, and exchange details that illuminate how the other sees and handles life in the process.
Because it’s not practical to wait days or weeks to talk about the hard things that naturally occur in relationships, my boyfriend and I have had to learn how to do so across the miles, in real time, as life unfolds. It has been so important to not put off such conversations until the time is “right,” which is a pattern I struggled with in my marriage. I have learned to give an immediate voice to what I’m thinking and feeling without sweeping these things under the rug or blaming him for not sensing what I am feeling. We have to be intentional and timely with these things. We call or text as needed. We don’t store up resentment or feelings of being unheard. We keep the air clear.
Training ourselves to be better communicators via phone or text has helped me recognize an old pattern where I'd pull away when feeling scared or vulnerable. "Holding it in" would lead to stories I'd make up in my head about his actions, or I'd make assumptions about what he was thinking (which was never good). Once I realized I was doing this I could take down the metaphorical wall I'd built between us and talk through my feelings before they'd had time to fester. It took courage to tell him when I was feeling disconnected from him, and bring up topics that were hard. Our relationship deepens because of our mutual willingness to do this uncomfortable work. We've learned to give names to our feelings and fears, and own up to them sooner rather than later.
Not all difficult feelings are unpleasant ones, however. We have also learned to be better communicators about the pleasurable aspects of our relationship. That doesn't come easy for me...but when the only way to "reach out and touch someone" has been with a phone call, I have learned to own my feelings there, too. The distance has required that we be clear and consistent about our feelings for each other and how we want to set the tone for our next in-person get together.
The Gift of Time
The pace of long distance dating has given me time and space to really think about how I show up for myself, and in our relationship. Coming from a codependent marriage, where I slowly but surely lost myself, the space between us has allowed me to continue to get to know myself as I also get to know him. It has helped me learn what it looks and feels like to make someone a priority without him becoming (or needing to be) the priority.
Having more time alone has taught me to be responsible for my happiness, finding ways to have fun, feel joy, and make memories on my own, and that spills over to more happiness with him, as well. I am better at drawing boundaries and creating balance between the different parts of my life. I use my “extra” time to invest in friendships and hobbies, things that sometimes fall by the wayside as people establish their “couple-hood.” A bridge needs a strong foundation on each side to hold up the road in the middle. Nurturing myself with the things that bring me joy makes me a better partner and builds a stronger relationship.
The Gift of Creativity
Despite the distance, I’ve never had so much FUN in a relationship. Because we can’t be together every day, we put a lot of thought and creativity into planning our time together. We don’t limit our visits to my city or his; sometimes we meet in a town in between or travel together to do things that we love in an entirely different place. Where you spend time together doesn’t matter as much as having that time together. As my boyfriend says, “It’s all just a backdrop.”
There really couldn’t be a better time to date long distance. In addition to tools that technology offers, there are fantastic old school ways to help us stay connected. Mix it up! Text each other using GIFs and emojis to add some fun (or spice!), but also hide small handwritten notes at each other’s homes or in their luggage. Send flowers to share a little sunshine or have amazon deliver small but oh-so-thoughtful gifts “just because.” Plan time for longer phone calls and themed zoom dates, and share cocktails across the “table.” Find ways to speak your partner’s love language (and if you don’t know about the 5 love languages, start here). Even the love language of physical touch can be spoken from miles away when you describe to your partner what it feels like to hold his hand.
Take photos when you are together and send selfies when you’re not. Get over those insecurities about how you look in them or build your confidence in taking them. Let your partner see your life through your eyes on a daily basis by sending pictures of things you see that remind you of them.
Get creative and have fun! Build anticipation for your next visit or zoom date–even for the texts you send daily. It all enriches your relationship.
The Gift of Intentionality
Whether reaching out to your loved one from across the miles or just from across the room, when you are together find the balance between making special memories (hiking, outings, picnics, traveling, exploring a new city) and more basic activities (sitting on the sofa talking, watching tv, reading, working side by side, cooking, chores, errands). Make each word, each plan, and each moment count.
Remember, you aren’t trying to script an Insta-worthy highlight reel; you’re the real-life stars of your own love story, in all its gritty glory. Along with the thrill of the romantic reunions, the verbal/written affirmations, and the endearing unfiltered photos texted with the cutest emojis, don’t try to convince yourselves that every little thing they do is magic—and that’s okay! You want to experience all the real life daily stuff, too.
Long distance relationships are still relationships, which in order to be successful require experiencing and embracing the full spectrum of each other’s daily lives. You want to experience it all, even the mundane stuff, too. That will better prepare you both to sort out what living in the same city might look like for the two of you as a couple. And isn’t that the goal? (insert smiling winky emoji here)
