Armed with some ideas about why I am struggling to stay committed to daily exercise, I came up with a plan to help me get out of the house, show up for myself, and check multiple self-care boxes. ✅
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I’m in a fitness funk. I know exercise is an important part of my mental and physical health, especially now that I’m over 50. I know I feel like my best self when I get some form of exercise every day, whether that is a walk, gentle yoga, or something more strenuous. But what has worked in the past isn’t working anymore.
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By the time we reach middle age, most of us have learned that life is full of surprises. Some of those surprises are hard to swallow–like when a midlife divorce puts you back on the dating scene. But they could also bring richness, growth, and joy to your life, too. A long distance relationship has been one of those surprises for me.
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The morning before my divorce mediation began, I woke up and suddenly “knew” what keywords to use in Google to find private 200 hour yoga teacher training close to my home. I had been searching for training programs that would work with my life, schedule, and budget for years.
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“The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence! It’s green where you water it! ” I said this through tears toward the end of our marriage—when I was still fighting to save it. I had been literally begging my ex to re-engage in our relationship for years, doing everything I could think of to water and tend the grass of our marriage. Out of desperation, I was doing more than my share.
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A little over 4 months into online dating, I’m feeling more confident sorting through profiles. I am starting to recognize what I’m attracted to in a man’s profile. “Nate’s” profile was top notch: an attractive photo of him on the patio, dappled sun falling around him, gazing straight into the camera a glass of red wine up as if to say “Cheers to this beautiful day and to you.”
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The idea of dating sure was intimidating when I first divorced. After all, it had been 20 years since I dated, and so much had changed! How was I supposed to wrap my mind around it?
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Unless I wanted to find myself in the same diminishing relationship, running into the same issues over and over, I had to identify and toss out some faulty formulas and beliefs – or risk using them to calculate the same old path forward, ending up with an “answer” that really didn’t solve anything.
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I may just have exchanged a fear of being without a partner for a fear of being with one. My resistance to dating, based in the fear of becoming codependent again, may be holding me back in other ways.
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My pattern of chronic overthinking and questioning every decision isn’t going to change itself overnight. What I experienced was pretty encouraging though. Less time spent stressing, less questioning myself, and more connection to an action moving me forward.
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I was mysteriously drawn to that compost pile, which is odd if you know anything about compost. What looks like a gross pile of rotting and decomposing produce, eggshells, coffee grounds, and leaves is actually where all of these ingredients transform into a valuable fertilizer that enriches soil, gardens, and plants.
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Not brag or anything, but I once had a blind date with Art Vandelay. I met him on Match.com. He had just one picture on his profile. He was wearing a tux. With a bow tie.
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Spring sprung without me realizing it. At first, I was frustrated for being behind, but then I adjusted and let that sh*t go.
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It had been almost six years since my divorce when I decided I'd had about enough time alone in my head, doing the inner work, restructuring my motives and goals, and considering what I wanted the next chapter of life to look like for myself.
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After divorcing, it made no sense to me to keep “wearing” the last name of my former husband. I quit wearing the ring he gave me, too, of course, although that was admittedly easier to remove. I felt that if he and I were no longer a couple, then neither his ring, nor his name were going to remain on me as I moved forward without him.
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While a background check won’t necessarily expose the skeletons in his closet or flush out the possible lies someone might tell, it will give you a sense of his digital footprint and quite a bit of history. It may also give you a greater sense of comfort before you sit down in person with someone you met online. As I enter into the new-to-me world of online dating post divorce, I think that is worth the price.
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But there is another hard truth that I could miss if I stay snuggled up with this sweet dog on my couch watching Netflix: Sadie is a comfort and a companion, but not a partner. If I stay at home in my comfort zone with her, I’m not using the opportunities online dating could offer to move past the blocks between me and the partnership I desire.
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Instead of being stuck in a tall tower or a spellcast sleep, I think so many people, women especially, are imprisoned by the concept of happily ever after, and for women who are dating after divorce, this entrapment can be particularly damaging. I’m working to reconcile old thought patterns to develop a more healthy approach to dating and happily ever after.
Even though I didn’t live with him anymore, the negative comments continued … but now they came only from me. The divorce had rid me of his negative voice, and yet I was still stuck with my own.
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