Adventures in Online Dating: Time to Move Out of My Head and Into the World
I’m realizing that “not bad” isn’t good enough.
It had been almost six years since my divorce when I decided I'd had about enough time alone in my head, doing the inner work, restructuring my motives and goals, and considering what I wanted the next chapter of life to look like for myself. I had been studying myself and my entire relationship history as if I were back in a classroom, preparing for a final, before heading out into the real world to put my knowledge into practice. I didn’t want to repeat the same mistakes; I was willing to make new ones, but please, God, not the same old ones.
I had dated a little during those 6 years. Through those experiences, I refined my ideas about qualities that I am looking for in a partner as well as what my priorities are in a relationship. I also learned so much about myself—growing and healing through these dating experiences. Nice as they were, none of these men felt like a good fit, so I just assumed I wasn't really "ready" to meet someone special. What I was ready for at that point was to stop studying the whole courtship process from afar and put what I'd learned into practice. I was ready for a little less intensity and a lot more fun.
At the urging of some friends, I took the plunge and signed up for an online dating service.
In addition to meeting new people, having interesting new conversations and enjoying some fun new experiences, online dating has opened me up to some surprisingly deep lessons and shown me parts of myself more clearly. And I've been able to experiment with being myself -- the post-divorce me that I had been getting to know and making an effort to heal.
“I’ve been able to experiment with being myself — the post-divorce me that I had been getting to know and making an effort to heal.”
I’ve seen how my beliefs about myself have been holding me back and where I still have more grieving and healing to do. I’ve uncovered different ways that I struggle to leave my comfort zone, and pushed myself to overcome each of them. I’m discovering that online dating can be quite an adventure; just not the kind I expected. It continues to provide me with all sorts of opportunities to further explore my inner frontiers.
The inner exploration continued recently when I connected with eHarmony bachelor #2. Over the course of a month, we chatted on the app, texted, and had two dates - brunch, and a hike followed by lunch. For the most part, conversation was easy, clever, and interesting, three characteristics high on my list. We covered a full range of deep topics that people often shy away from - a definite plus in my book. We had some things in common, like second careers focused on helping people rebuild their lives, and a similar interest in finding balance between dating and all the other parts of our lives. I felt comfortable showing up as the interesting mix that I am - serious but loves to laugh, a deep thinker with a tendency to overthink. I could feel my comfort and confidence growing.
He was a really nice guy, but after our first date for coffee I didn’t really know what I wanted to “do” with him. Did I want to go on a second date or not? I could see some areas where we were compatible and that he embodied qualities I value, but he came from a different religious background than I, something which just doesn’t work well for me. I also noticed that, while I enjoyed talking to him, I really wasn’t flirting with him. By no fault of his own, there was no real spark of attraction for me. Even knowing these things, I said yes to a second date. A few of my old patterns were rising to the surface to be seen. What was coming into better focus was not this other person; it was myself.
Pattern: I ignored what I knew to be true for me, that I want to share my faith with a partner, and so devalued my own priorities by saying yes to a second date. I also ignored the value I place on that spark of attraction; I want strong chemistry between us that draws us toward one another like magnets.
Pattern: I see some clear no’s, but still find myself wondering if I give this more time if he will turn into a yes. What is that about? Why don’t I trust myself and accept that this NO? ?
Pattern: As I communicate with each man on the dating platform, I take note of what about him and his life doesn’t fit into mine…and yet I still try to imagine what a relationship with him would look like. I consider ways God might ask me to settle, and doubt the validity of my own wants and needs. I devalue the deepest desires of my own heart while also doubting a man could exist who fits into the puzzle of me without me having to force or bend my most essential parts.
“Relationships are mirrors reflecting back to us what we may or may not know about ourselves.”
I did eventually go on a second date with this guy that I knew wasn't a good fit for me, and I'll confess that it really wasn't bad. It just wasn’t good, either. I now know that if I keep filling my life and my time with “not bad” then I don’t leave room for things that delight my soul, and excite my mind and body. That is what I want to fill my next chapter with.
I also see how, even when you know something in your head, you still have to take that lesson out into your experiences to truly KNOW it. I guess I’m back in the classroom after all.