Adventures in Online Dating: Finally, That Little Spark of Interest

Just Trying Not to Overthink It.

After months of weeding through profiles and a handful of “meh” meet-ups, I finally had a date where I felt a spark of interest. It is so odd how timing works! I had just made the leap and joined a second dating site because I wasn’t meeting anyone on eHarmony, but then I had a really enjoyable lunch with someone I met on eHarmony. Go figure.

There were lots of things to like about this week’s date, but the most important one right now is that there’s no question that I want to see him again. No hemming and hawing, no need to ask myself what I want to do. I just know. Given that I have the tendency to overthink EVERYTHING, this feels new, different, and so damn nice.

I’m not sure whether this means I will be singing eHarmony’s praises or cursing them, however. Due to the way I set up my distance parameters, “Glenn,” as I will call him, lives more than 300 miles away from my home in South Texas, which translates to almost 5 hours in the car if there isn’t any traffic, and there is ALWAYS traffic on I-35. Will he be worth the drive?  At this point, only time will tell.

I’d reached out to Glenn about a month ago with a compliment on his profile. I was drawn to his smile, his eyes, and an intro that revealed a deep faith, a life transformed for good by hardships, and a great attitude about dating: “I want to begin by making new friends; if it grows into something deeper, that’s great.”  Until I read this, it hadn’t even occurred to me that “new friends'' was a possible outcome for all this. His words touched on a desire I hadn’t even admitted to myself - I would rather grow into love than fall into it. My husband’s infidelity had ended our marriage, so I knew my heart would be much too cautious to fall into love, but to grow into love, slowly over time? That could work. 

““I want to begin by making new friends; if it grows into something deeper, that’s great.”  Until I read his words, it hadn’t even occurred to me that “new friends’’ was a possible outcome for all this. This touched on a desire I hadn’t even admitted to myself - I would rather grow into love than fall into it.”

I did not by any means share any of this with the guy when I messaged him with the profile compliment. I’d just sent him a quick, 7-word note, figuring that maybe he would appreciate the encouragement, nothing more. I’d never have imagined those words would actually lead to a date. Especially since we live 5 hours apart.

Despite the stretch of highway between us, we continued to message each other. I’ve become a big believer that dates don’t really have to “go” anywhere for me to gain something valuable. Just communicating with him through the app these past weeks, I can feel myself becoming more comfortable in this online space, and that feels pretty damn valuable in and of itself. I also continue to get clarity on what I like in a man: he’s intentional about his own growth (personal, emotional, and spiritual), he asks great, deep questions but in a casual, easy-to-talk-about manner, he prioritizes relationships with his kids but is happy empty nesting, and he lives an active lifestyle.  In short, I’d learned that he’s my type.

Then, shortly after Glenn and I started messaging I got an invitation to visit some friends at their ranch in North Texas. Given that I would be about an hour from him, I suggested we meet for a late lunch before I drove home. It was both of his sons’ birthdays that weekend, he explained, but he’d still like to do it. It’s nice to feel prioritized. Even though this wasn’t exactly convenient for either of us, we made it work.

There were so many things that stood out to me about our conversation over lunch. For one, I really wasn’t nervous. There wasn’t any pressure or expectations for this meet-up to lead to anything. Maybe this should always be true, but sometimes I can’t help feeling otherwise. This time, I felt free to be myself and tell my story, to share a meal with someone who had caught my eye and sparked my curiosity, and then to learn who he was and hear his own story.

We had already discovered things in common through our chats, like facts about our kids’ ages and gender, but our conversation unveiled deeper similarities, like the way we had chosen to forgive our exes’ infidelity, allowing for a really positive family dynamic to still exist. We share the same love languages and also place a similar value on using divorce as a tool for personal and spiritual transformation. He told me about his own post-divorce dating experiences, and how he’d noticed a positive change now that he is not “dating lonely,” which blinds you to what you really need to see and can lead to relationships and patterns that don’t work again and again. Our brief meet-up stretched to almost 3 hours. He needed to go meet his sons for birthday celebrations and I needed to turn south for my drive home.  I think he was as sorry as I was to say goodbye.

Lunch gave me a lot of nice things to think about during my drive. True, I found Glenn to be good looking, but the spark I felt came from who he was, the work he had done to get there, and the beautiful way he could talk about it. I can't say that I’ve met anyone who has processed the pain of their divorce in a way so similar to me, nor anyone who has worked so intentionally to heal from and forgive the wounds of infidelity. Noticing that he embodies many of the qualities that are really important to me made me feel both excited and cautious. I found myself thankful for the 300 miles between us: it will slow the pace of this evolving “friendship”…or whatever it might grow into. I want to give myself plenty of time to learn how to do relationships differently. 

Feeling a little emotionally overwhelmed, I called a friend to verbally process all that I liked about him and confess my wariness about getting in too deep too quickly. She wisely said this: 

“It’s not time to stop meeting people. You can toss them all back, but there is value in getting into the boat and out onto the water, whether or not you come home with a fish. For now, keep your line in the water and enjoy the different experiences you’ll have. You’ll know when you find a fish worth keeping and will also know when it is time to sell the boat!”

This felt right. I could take a deep breath.

You can toss them all back, but there is value in getting into the boat and out onto the water, whether or not you come home with a fish.

Looking back on all of this, I realize that I broke (or maybe just overlooked) a few of the “rules of online dating” I’ve been reading about. The first is that he only had two profile pictures, one of which wasn’t recent (but it sure was cute). It’s easy to forget is that not everyone researches how to ideally create a dating profile or seeks “expert” advice when selecting their photos. Their proficiency with this rather awkward skill is much less important to me than other factors. Instead of judging their profile pics as “good” or “bad,” I’d rather pay attention to the written information that resonates and sparks curiosity within me. I feel like this is at the core of what will lead me to matches I’m potentially interested in…even if we don’t end up dating. It teaches me something about myself in the process, too. It’s consistent with who I am and how I want to be in the world.

Another “rule” that I broke is that we texted through the app for 5 weeks before meeting face to face. We didn’t even talk on the phone until after we’d made our lunch plans. Conventional advice is to talk sooner rather than later to see if you have “phone chemistry.”  While that advice makes sense to me, it just didn’t happen that way with Glenn; when we did finally talk, our conversation flowed easily, putting me more at ease about meeting him for the first time. All this just goes to show that there are no hard and fast rules. It is okay to experiment, and figure out where my own hard lines exist. 

Meeting Glenn brought a welcome little spark of joy, energy and interest to my life; a spark that feels fun and exciting and balances out the intensely introspective work I’ve put into online dating. No matter what happens, if meeting him develops into more dates, a friendship, or “something deeper,” I feel seen by God for understanding my cautious heart and crossing my path with Glenn’s. It will all be a good experience in letting Life unfold and surprise me—I am finally open and ready for that. And I’m not going to overthink it.