Adventures in Online Dating: Decision-making & Diversifying

I don’t have to make this so hard.

I don’t know if anyone else struggles to make decisions, but I sure do. My mind goes through endless scenarios, judgments, and fears before I can move forward. It has been a ridiculous pattern to deal with my entire life. And exhausting. Definitely exhausting.

Recently, however, I’m noticing something new.

What I’m learning through online dating is that I don’t have to live my life repeating this pattern. I don't have to overthink everything, nor do I have to procrastinate because I’m afraid to make the “wrong” decision. I can make a choice, then if I don’t like where it leads, I can try something else. I don’t have to play out all the options in my head ahead of time. At this point, I’m finally learning to trust myself to figure it out as I go.

I am finding the balance between my thinking, analytical side and my feeling, intuitive side. The past few years, I’ve noticed that most often the information that leads me in the direction I want to go comes from my gut, not my head. My head just gets in the way, generating all sorts of fears and excuses that act as barriers to action. 

A few weeks ago I felt myself cross a new threshold, finding some needed balance between my old way of overthinking and the new way of intuitive trusting. I was talking to a friend about my experiences on eHarmony, sharing some of my frustrations. While I’ve met a few people and learned a lot from those experiences, I definitely want more choices when it comes to the matches I currently see on that platform.  I was doing all sorts of over-analyzing about why I wasn’t being matched with people I might be interested in.

She reminded me that no one platform is going to showcase all the available, age appropriate men around me. Each pone is only going to be as “strong” as its membership in that city. Given that people are attracted to different dating sites for different reasons, and there are variations in membership based on where you live, a different site really might offer more of what I am looking for. In any case, it wouldn’t hurt to extend my “fishing expedition” to another pond, giving myself exposure to more profiles and experiences.

Uncharacteristically, right then and there, I decided to sign up for a second platform. I went with my gut’s “let’s do it,” instead of my head’s “let’s think about this.” While I was still on the phone with my friend, I got the Bumble app and we created my profile. Wham, bam, thank you m’am.  I’m diversifying, just like that.

While I would like to say there was no agonizing involved with this simple act of expanding my dating pool, that isn’t exactly true. My pattern of chronic overthinking and questioning every decision isn’t going to change itself overnight. Once I hit “submit,” there were still some flickers of doubt. Overall, though, the experience was very encouraging. Less time spent stressing, less questioning myself, and more action propelling me forward. Win-win-win. I’d thrown my line into a new pond.

Two weeks into using Bumble, I have to admit that it feels like a better fit for where I am in my life. I’ve come across more profiles that I find attractive and that illustrate the energy that I am looking for in a partner. Even though my age parameters are the same on both apps, I am noticing a younger vibe to those on Bumble. It may be that their platform is a “better match” for me in my city, just as my friend suggested. I even have a meet-up scheduled already - we are going to play pickleball one night this week. Bumble already is a lot more fun, and I could definitely use a little more fun in my life. I’m hooked.

One thing I really like about it is that the woman is first to initiate contact on Bumble. Unless she reaches out to him first, he can’t message her. This is a totally new approach for me. Not only do I tend to be an introvert when first meeting someone, but I have a tendency to hold back and wait for someone else to make the first move before I decide what version of myself I want to bring to the interaction. This isn’t uncommon for Enneagram 9’s like myself, but according to F*ckless: A Guide to Wild, Unencumbered Freedom, women often take their clues from others on all sorts of matters - what they wear, what they share, and how talkative they are for example. I am witnessing myself really working at coming out of the self-imposed shell I have hidden under all these years. It is challenging, but also empowering. I am having fun initiating conversations, playing with my creative side. I’ve even challenged myself to reach out in a different way each time, which feels more energy-giving than draining. Being in the driver's seat, I am not only feeling more confident but also more relaxed about the whole process of meeting men online. Who would have thought?

I’m also realizing that misplaced self-judgment holds me back more than I knew. I am seeing several familiar and attractive faces across both platforms, so clearly being on multiple platforms doesn’t mean you are desperate; it means you are efficiently playing the numbers game that online dating is. The more profiles you are exposed to, the more likely you are to find the needle in the haystack you are searching for.  But you’re still going to have sort through all that hay.

There really is something to be said about finding the balance between thinking and feeling; both are needed in different proportions depending on the decision I need to make. For now, I’m going to focus on listening to my gut more often to see if I can break the habit of overthinking everything. Trusting myself sure feels good. This is the direction I want my life to grow in, whether or not I find a needle in any of these haystacks.

“The more profiles you are exposed to, the more likely you are to find the needle in the haystack you are searching for.  But you’re still going to have sort through all that hay.”