To Background Check or Not to Background Check?
I recently met some women who have both been divorced much longer than I have. As we got to know each other, we moved past talking about our children to dating, specifically online dating.
Right off the bat, when I mentioned that I had recently dipped my toe into the pool of online dating, one of them mentioned that she highly recommends doing a background check on prospective dating partners before you agree to meet them out somewhere. “You’d just never believe how many lies some of these guys tell. I really think some of them get confused between reality and what they want to be true. And it is better to be safe than sorry.”
As a novice in this arena, and someone who can see the best in just about everyone, I was a little surprised by this line of thinking. I have read blog posts and books about online dating warning that both men and women often blur the line by telling half-truths, but I hadn’t thought about that putting me in a social situation with someone who has a criminal past. (I know. I know. I should have.)
In my defense, in the 5 years since my divorce, I have mainly been out on dates with men I somehow knew from a previous stage of life or with whom I share a common friend. The exceptions are men that I recently met through online dating who have seemed authentic enough, and I’d say proved to be who they said they were. But who really knows when you don't have another source for information?
This raises the question: is doing some sort of background check the right thing to do in today’s world of online dating?
Seems like a sweet, small town guy.
Some important realities to consider
In online dating, you are going to meet people that you likely wouldn’t meet any other way (and isn’t that the point?). Without having friends in common that can vouch for the person you are chatting with online, how do you know he really is divorced, isn’t an ax murderer, and is who he says he is? I’ve heard of catfishing, and don’t need that additional drama in my life. Wouldn’t it be better to do a little research to protect yourself before a date?
A good thing to know: Dating platforms often have protections built in
While it is difficult for a platform to measure a member for honest intentions, many have taken steps to protect their users. In many cases, dating sites can deter scammers and fakes simply by having a lengthy registration process, verifying identification, requiring multiple photos, and setting up a paywall for online conversations. Most offer encryption and fraud detection systems to protect your personal information. Additionally, several platforms have formed partnerships with a background check service so members can do their own investigations. Still others offer confirmation that profile information is consistent across other social media platforms such as LinkedIn and Facebook or provide ways to exchange texts and phone calls with prospective dates through the platform so that users don’t have to give out their private phone number.
First things first: Basic safety tips
Whether or not you do any background research on someone you meet online, there are a few important guidelines to follow when planning to meet someone:
Always meet in a public place for the first time. (Or can we say the first few times, please? See below on giving your intuition time to speak.)
Take your own transportation to meet your date rather than having him pick you up or take you home. While manners do matter, it is not “gentlemanly” for him to pick you up at home until you know more about him. (Like…a lot more. We aren’t 16 and they don’t need to demonstrate to Dad that they can make a good impression.)
Tell someone where you are going and when. This is as easy as texting a friend with your date’s name, where you are planning to go, and a general time frame. It’s also not a bad idea to give a friend temporary access to your location using an app like Find My Friends.
Don’t share personal information such as your phone number or address (or the name of your neighborhood) with someone you meet online until you’ve had a date or two, know you want to get to know them more, and feel safe doing so.
Who can resist a guy with such an adorable smile?
Research on your own: Some quick and easy steps
While I have followed the basic safety steps above when planning my online dates, I did not do any of the steps below because of my trusting (possibly naive) nature. But now that I know how easy it is to implement them, it certainly makes sense to do so going forward.
Before you agree to meet someone for a date, get their first and last name. You can do so while chatting with them in the app. In my opinion, any man who reluctantly shares his last name clearly doesn’t understand that a woman can’t be too careful and is not a man that you want to go out with.
Look for him on social media. Via Facebook, you can see if you have any connections in common and see if his Facebook profile information and photos match with his dating platform information and photos. You can also see if his posts reflect his character in a way that is attractive to you or not. LinkedIn and his company website might reveal consistency (or inconsistency) in what he has told you about his career.
Once you have his phone number, you can google it to see if it matches with his name and see what city/address it matches with. While not foolproof, this might be helpful information if you decide to look him up further.
Pay attention to your intuition
Slowing down long enough to do a little research of your own may give your intuition some time to speak. During my divorce, I learned the value of slowing down to L I S T E N to that still quiet voice inside. Turns out, it had been trying to get my attention for years.
“Lots of times we deceive ourselves before we even give the other person a chance to do it.”
Maria Coder, author of “Investidate: How to Investigate Your Date” urges us to pay attention to those subtle thoughts that tell us that something just doesn’t add up or work for us, rather than convincing ourselves we are just being overly picky or suspicious. As a past expert in painting red flags white, I think this is invaluable advice.
Taking the background check a step further
Listening to your intuition and the above steps may be all you need to feel comfortable meeting someone you met online. The end of my marriage left me wounded and suspicious, so while I am learning to trust my intuition, I am glad to know there are some websites that, for a small fee, can quickly provide some background information without needing more than a few basic pieces of information.
BeenVerified and TruthFinder are just two of the many subscription based services that for about $20 will do a search based on as little as a name and phone number or city. Clearly the more information you provide, the better the results, but a full report covers quite a bit:
Names and known aliases
Approximate birthday and age
Current residence and address history
Phone numbers
Email addresses
Employment history
Possible relatives
Criminal history and convictions
Sex offender information
Court records
Financial records (such as bankruptcies or foreclosures)
Photos
Possible social media profiles.
(Yep. That’s a LOT of information to digest!)
Interestingly enough, when I ran a comparison of the same person’s information on these two different services, I discovered that there was some variation between what was found on each report. TruthFinder came up with some data that wasn’t in the BeenVerified report. It wasn’t necessarily critical info, but what is critical to me may not be critical to you and vice versa.
After reading reports from both companies, I must add that you have to take what is presented with a grain of salt. Neither site verifies divorce records, which could still leave you wondering if the prospective date really is divorced or is just “experimenting” with singlehood with a wife at home who is totally clueless. (Trust me. It happens.)
Neither report claims to be 100% accurate or comprehensive, but they did confirm a lot of the information that my date had already shared with me in earlier exchanges, making me feel more comfortable about his trustworthiness and affirming my initial impressions. Even without guaranteed accuracy, I still consider the peace of mind worth the price.
If you don’t want to buy into a subscription service but still want to make sure your potential date isn’t listed as a sex offender, you can go here to search for free. You will need first and last name in order to conduct a search.
While a background check won’t necessarily expose the skeletons in his closet or flush out the possible lies someone might tell, it will give you a sense of his digital footprint and quite a bit of history. It may also give you a greater sense of comfort before you sit down in person with someone you met online. As I enter into the new-to-me world of online dating post divorce, I think that is worth the price.