Namast'ay Home with My Dog

I may just be too comfortable here.

How am I supposed to resist that face?

Like so many other people in 2020, I adopted an adorable puppy to keep me company during the Covid shutdown. My brother laughed and quoted a wise friend: “When the dog dies, the man appears.” The image of the stereotypical middle aged woman with a dog by her side popped into my mind.

“Well, dammit.” I replied, annoyed at the image. “It's too late. I spent a year and a half without a dog and no man appeared, so now I am just gonna have to trust that a man will appear during this dog’s life span.”

While that conversation was over a year ago, the memory of it came back to me this week as I was sifting through the eHarmony dating profiles, my not-so-little quarantine pup curled up on the sofa next to me.

Now that I am giving online dating a chance, I keep noticing an inner resistance to getting out of the house to go on an actual date. I’ve been chatting with a few different men in the app, but there isn’t yet anyone I feel excited about getting to know. Yes, I’m only a few months into this, and yes, I now realize that this is going to require a lot more sifting and sorting than I originally thought, but there is something else going on within me that I have to notice and take responsibility for.

The truth is that, while Sadie has brought lots of fun, joy, and play back into my life, I could get too comfortable here, with this sweet, snuggly, playful pup by my side. I could easily become the stereotypical middle aged “Dog Mom” who contentedly stays home alone with her pooch, substituting a four-legged child for the two-legged ones that have left the nest.

I can see how I could use this comfort as an excuse not to do things that grow me and my life in a new direction. A direction that enhances my life and enlarges my circle of friends. A direction that involves things like going on an actual date. With an actual man. To have fun and make memories that don’t involve my kids or dog.

At home with Sadie, I don’t have to worry about making conversation with a stranger, something my introverted side is always concerned about. I can literally forget how much fun the outside world can be because I have the playful companionship of this sweet dog here at home with me. With Sadie, I am loved even when grumpy, makeup-less in mismatched clothes, and a few pounds heavier than I’d like to be. Given the complaints I endured in my marriage, this kind of acceptance feels so healing. Maybe as I experience unconditional love, I can better learn to love myself unconditionally, as well. 

But there is another hard truth that I could miss if I stay snuggled up with this sweet dog on my couch watching Netflix: Sadie is a comfort and a companion, but not a partner. If I stay at home in my comfort zone with her, I’m not using the opportunities online dating could offer to move past the blocks between me and the partnership I desire.

This week, with the memory of tears of disappointment from my first date (and knowledge of my ex’s engagement) still fresh in my mind, I see some of those blocks more clearly: fears of rejection, of repeating old relationship patterns, of not being enough (interesting enough, outgoing enough, beautiful enough, physically fit enough). I recognize a familiar urge to hide behind walls I have built to protect my heart from being shattered again. 

This shows me that I still have some healing to do, some inner work to do. While part of me wants to stay home and do the healing work “first,” the truth is it is time to learn these lessons through the development of dating relationships. I know this intuitively, but it sure is nice to read it too:

It really IS time for me to date. Increasingly I have felt smothered by all of the time on my own, by the isolation of Covid, and the isolation of my life personally and professionally. My nest is about to be empty. Even the presence of a beloved dog doesn’t change that. It is time to embrace the opportunities to re-engage with Life, making new friends and having new experiences. I have done a lot of work to be happy in the life that I have while also creating the life I want to live, but now it is time to open up to the possibility of sharing my life with someone other than my kids, my friends, and my dog. 

I can’t just wish for the partner to appear nor do I have to wait for my dog to die for that partner to appear. I have to get out of the house and use the tools that online dating provides to grow me into the person I want to be and cross my path with that of others I might want to partner with. 

 I continue to be entertained by the inner lessons that arise out of my willingness to give online dating a chance. I didn’t realize that it would be a tool used in my life to continue healing and growing post-divorce, but I’m sure glad it is.