Redefining Happily Ever After
It shouldn’t take a prince for a girl to feel regal.
Instead of being stuck in a tall tower or a spellcast sleep, I think so many people, women especially, are imprisoned by the concept of happily ever after, and for women who are dating after divorce, this entrapment can be particularly damaging. I’m working to reconcile old thought patterns to develop a more healthy approach to dating and happily ever after.
The ruse of happily ever after
Did we miss the point of the original fairy tales or just get lost in the Disney interpretation of them? I don’t know what lessons were intended in the original Grimm’s fairy tales; I’m definitely familiar with the lessons of the Disney versions though. The ones in which the fair maiden is rescued from some form of imprisonment by the handsome young man. Cinderella is rescued from servanthood in the home of her evil stepmother. Sleeping Beauty is awakened from her slumber with a kiss. Snow White is rescued from being the caregiver to seven little men (seriously, can you even imagine?) and saved from the evil witch. Rapunzel is freed from solitary life in a high tower. In each of the stories, the female main character presumably lives happily ever after with the handsome young man. A so-called “fairy tale ending.” I’ll confess to having indulged myself in the occasional Hallmark Channel movie or romance novel in an attempt to escape my marriage. I know I’m not the only one.
How long have women defined their happiness as being dependent upon finding the handsome prince and fairy tale ending? Has this dream impacted their ability to see the reality of the relationship they are in? Is it possible that midlife crises in marriages are sometimes born out of a lack of realistic reckoning with the youthful expectations of a happily ever after life?
I convinced myself that, with love and work, my marriage would have the sort of magical happy ending I’d always dreamed of. There certainly were some storybook aspects of it. We had our movie magic “meet cute” and my ex was able to provide for us financially in ways that surpassed any expectations I could have imagined as a girl. I believed that God had destined us to be together forever. So why couldn’t we find our happily ever after? I worked so hard for so long trying to make things work, not only for us but also for the sake of our three children. As it turned out, my determination blinded me to seeing some fractures in the foundation that couldn’t be repaired by me alone. Our happily ever after crumbled into dust.
Clearly, there are so many other things that go into building and maintaining a relationship. Essentially, I think many of us are forever wondering where our handsome prince is and still believe his presence is required for our happiness. That, I believe, imprisons us. It gives someone else the power over our contentment and joy.
“If I believe that someone other than myself is going to sweep in and save me from my present circumstances, or that I can’t be happy without a partner to share life with, then I am, in effect, giving over my power to an outsider. ”
I’m not interested in building a wall and waiting for someone to climb over it and save me from whatever it is I may fear or want to escape. I’d rather live in freedom and take responsibility for my own happiness as I build a LIFE I really want to live.
A new perspective on dating and expectations
Today, I’m no longer comfortable with that thinking. I’m trying to change my perspective and the language I use when thinking or talking about dating and whatever future “happily ever after” exists for me. I have said in the past that I am trusting God to cross my path with someone to date, which is true. That has proven to be the case so far and I have learned important lessons from each of the men I’ve met. Even as I cautiously enter the world of online, I will hold onto that element of trust and believe that things happen as they need to for my growth and wellbeing. I believe that for you too.
With a slight change of perspective, I’ve freed myself from focusing on whether or not a post-divorce date will be “the one” for me. Instead, I treat each dating experience as a learning opportunity, a chance to get to know someone else and more about myself. This change in perspective has also changed how I talk about dating. For example, I no longer say, “he’s not The One,” when I’ve decided to stop seeing someone. That simple change in language helps direct my thoughts and keep me grounded. This shift in my thinking has taken the pressure off of these guys to be anything other than someone new I’m getting to know. It keeps me focused on using the experience of dating to develop a better understanding of my preferences, to learn how to better relate to men, and to gain valuable insights into ways that people pick up the pieces after a divorce. I can learn to reimagine a whole new “ever after.” That’s a gift I would not have received otherwise.
Post-divorce, with Prince Not-So-Charming out of my way, I am discovering what happiness looks like for ME, independently. I am comfortable in knowing that my ever-after will be filled with happy times and hard times. My overall sense of success, completeness, and happiness will not hinge on my relationship status even if a handsome prince (or two) does come into my life. I no longer expect to know the ending of my story before the other parts of it have even been written.
“I no longer expect to know the ending of my story before the other parts of it have even been written. ”
Under any and all circumstances, there will be interactions and experiences to learn lessons from, to build upon, and to grow through. When I free my mind of expectations, I take off the blinders I had put on. I can see and experience the dynamics of the relationship for what they really are. I try to remember that movies, even those as cute as The Holiday are fictional entertainment rather than a road map of how things are “supposed” to be.
With this change of perspective I can see that, even as Life unfolds in mysterious ways that are definitely not under my control, I really do have some control over what is “meant to be.” I have control over what lessons I learn from my divorce and what opportunities I create in post-divorce dating. I can reframe my marriage and past relationships as ways that I was “meant to” learn important life lessons required for my life today. Lessons that exposed the belief that someone else would rescue me from the responsibility of creating my own happiness or the belief that my happiness was contingent upon that of my husband or my children. Lessons that I needed to learn so that I could move into post-divorce life standing on my own two feet and trusting that I can still create a life I want to live; one in which I can rescue myself. I can write this next chapter to include a “happily ever after” that doesn’t revolve around being rescued by the handsome prince (even if it does one day include one). I am learning to be my own heroine, and that a prince isn’t what I need to be fulfilled. I can enjoy a life with people I love and create a little magic of my own now and then without depending on them to play roles they were never equipped to fill. That’s a happily ever after I can live with.