Learning to Love the House of Your Soul
The most important thing about your body isn’t how it looks in a swimsuit.
When I got divorced, I searched for positives that I could hold onto like a life raft in a turbulent sea. One, to be quite honest about my perspective at that time, was that I lost weight (the “divorce diet”) and for the first time in my life, I felt “skinny.” My curvy hips and thighs thinned and I wore a size that told my brain that I was skinny (let me be the first to call this out as distorted thinking!). I finally approved of my legs and dared to wear shorts and skirts that were more than a couple of inches above the knee with confidence.
On the one hand, I enjoyed being “skinny,” and I was relieved to not be faced regularly with the criticism of my body from my ex. Yet on the other hand, even though I didn’t live with him anymore, I noticed that the negative comments continued … but now they came only from me.
When looking at my reflection, I would have a moment of being pleased followed by a multitude of critical thoughts: your skin is too soft and squishy, look at your wrinkles, this weight won’t last and then who is going to want you?
“ Even though I didn’t live with him anymore, the negative comments continued … but now they came only from me. The divorce had rid me of his negative voice, and yet I was still stuck with my own.”
Losing weight isn’t the only way divorce can impact your body. A friend had the opposite experience of gaining weight during her divorce, and yet had the same experience in recognizing that there was a voice of criticism and condemnation she couldn’t escape. For each of us, it was a voice we had lived with for decades.
Divorce presents an invitation to heal the relationship between ourselves and our bodies.
The first step in the healing came to me in a yoga class: You are more than just your physical appearance. Your body was created to house your SOUL, the essence of who you are. I liked this idea, but this didn’t give me a road map, so I created one based on a favorite quote:
“Watch your thoughts, for they become your words. Watch your words, for they become your actions. Watch your actions, for they build your Life. ”
I realized that there were three areas I could work on daily: my thoughts, my words, and my actions.
Thoughts. Let your thoughts be the voice your soul needs to hear.
Recently I read that we think the same thoughts day after day and most of them are negative. I don’t know about you, but this really resonated with me in lots of areas of my life—particularly in terms of thoughts about my own body. Looking back at my own relationship with myself, I can identify self-criticism, comparisons, and judgments that I picked up from my mother, father, friends, and culture in general. Some of these things were said to or about me, and some were just said in front of me. But I absorbed them, and they became my own.
Although I still have plenty of room for growth in this area, I’ve learned to stop and ask myself these questions. Maybe they can help you, too:
Does that criticism, comparison, and judgment nourish you or diminish you?
Does it help you be your best self, or would clearing your head of these habitual thoughts make space for you to create a richer, more positive life?
Do you want to stay preoccupied with the “gift wrapping” on your exterior, or focus on developing the gifts that are inside you?
Step outside of yourself for a moment and look at your body as you would that of a beloved friend. How would you talk to her, this body that you have been given to experience life through, to encourage her and make her feel like she makes a difference in the world? Does it really make a difference in how you experience life if you don’t fit the image of the bodies you compare yourself to? How much of your life have you wasted being focused on being critical of your body?
“Instead of focusing on what OTHERS think about your body, work on changing what YOU think about your body.”
When critical thoughts enter your head, stop yourself and reframe them. We often think that others are criticizing our bodies, but they aren’t. They’re struggling with their own perceived imperfections. Let’s shift our focus and find greater freedom.
In whatever state your body is in, she carries you through life. Without her, your soul can’t be here, so let’s grow in ways to be kind to her.
Words. Speak the words your soul needs to hear.
Our words are so powerful, affecting our inner world and the world of those around us. Watch carefully the words that come out of your mouth about yourself or anyone else’s body. Change the conversations you have with your friends, and how you have them, not engaging in body bashing, talking about weight, or clothing size. You can share your personal struggles to find peace within your body as it is without engaging in criticism. Change the topics of conversations, encourage others to develop and share their gifts, and you may find that these conversations not only enrich their lives, but yours as well.
Actions. Nurture both your body and your soul and the connection between them.
To nurture your body, make choices that support your body’s health and physical well-being. Feed it a variety of nourishing foods, remembering that the purpose of food is to give your cells the vitamins, minerals, fats, and liquids they need to flourish and prevent illness. Build exercise into your daily life (even just 15-30 minutes) not to change your size or shape, but for health and to build a positive relationship between you and your body.
To change the relationship you have between your body and your mind, choose what images of bodies you take in. Weed through your social media, magazines, or TV shows and unfollow or discontinue looking at those that bring you to a place of comparison or self-criticism.
Meditation is another tool to nurture the relationship between your soul, your mind, and your body. Practicing meditation helps you to connect with your body through your breath, to clear your mind of your thoughts, and to create space in which you can hear your soul’s voice speak.
Focus on building confidence and security in who you are TODAY and select wardrobe pieces that reflect that. Learn what you like to wear now, at this age, with this body.
This healing work is quite possibly something I will do for a lifetime. As my mind predicted, I gained the weight back as my life and body came back into balance. Then menopause came and I entered a new phase of making peace with my body. I still use the tools of working with my thoughts, words, and actions so that I can focus on creating the life I want to live, ever more free of body criticism. I hope they will be tools that you can use too.
Instead of your body, could it be your body image that’s holding you back from living your best life? You’re most certainly not alone in that struggle. If you’re interested in connecting with other women who are seeking to break free of the confines of negative self-talk, reach out to us and we’ll introduce you to peers who you can listen to and learn from, and most likely inspire and be inspired by. Learn more about us and join our community on GoodBetterNext’s “Get Involved” page.