The Mathematics of Dating After Divorce
Dating isn’t a matter of ½ + ½ = 1.
I’m not a just a half seeking another half to make a whole, and I don’t need a man to complete me. (Sorry Jerry McGuire fans.)
However, I didn’t exit my marriage knowing this. Realizing that I was 100% complete on my own didn’t happen until after my divorce and a few years. I had to uncover my own belief that being single and/or divorced meant I was somehow defective or “less than” my coupled peers. I had to come to terms with the cultural influences I’d bought into which defined women by their relationships to men and said that a marriage would equal completeness. I mean, think about it — who was Eve without Adam? Could Cinderella have found her happily ever after without Prince Charming?
What it came down to was realizing that I wasn’t half to begin with. Hard stop. Let that soak in. Any inadequacies I perceived in myself were not going to go away by adding a partner into my life. Those were mine to work on, whether or not I brought a man into my life. Even with my insecurities, I was never less than WHOLE. Never less than enough. Getting to a place where I could feel happy and complete on my own, wholly independent of a partner was essential.
Creating a great relationship at midlife is definitely high level math, which can be intimidating. My own equation might look something like this:
(52 y + {1m/d - h} + 3k – b x j) + (xy + xm/d + xk - c x j) = 1(relationship)
I’m not bad at math, but it doesn’t always come easy. One thing I can tell you for sure is that the “mathematics” of relationships are not as logical and finite as I wished they were. The crazy equation above symbolizes all sorts of variables in my 52 years, including a divorce that left me feeling divided and reduced in value. My own part of the equation reflects countless experiences in marriage; some which were additive and some which took something from me. Three children and lots of friends multiplied my joy.
In building a relationship, what someone else brings to the equation is equally complex, but it’s not my responsibility to solve for his variables. This is important to know too. I figure out me, he figures out him, and eventually we see if we add up. No matter what, we don’t have to come together to make a whole and if that’s where our thinking is leading, we are missing the point. The variables must be identified, both sides of the equation must be balanced, and everyone has to be comfortable with the miscalculations that will undoubtedly arise at one point or another. See? It’s complicated. In math, when things add up you get the same answer every time. “Relationship Math” just doesn't work that way.
Unless I wanted to find myself in the same diminishing relationship, running into the same issues over and over, I also had to identify and toss out some faulty formulas and beliefs – or risk using them to calculate the same old path forward, ending up with an “answer” that really didn’t solve anything.
Unlike in math, there is no official order of operations involved in the process of figuring out my side of the equation. There was no right or wrong way to find my way back to the feeling of wholeness. While I chose to find myself first, investing more time in not dating than dating, I have plenty of friends who dove right into the dating pool before coming to the conclusion that they are whole and complete women, whether or not they have a man in their lives; so there’s no right or wrong way for you to approach this either.
“I can’t just plug any man into the calculus and come up with the ideal relationship that I desire. I have to be willing to experiment with who I invite into my life and carefully consider the variables on their side of the equation. ”
The time I continue to invest in figuring out who I am now is helping me build a rich, full life, but also gives me information about what I’m looking for in a partner. I can’t just plug any man into the calculus to come up with the ideal relationship that I desire. I have to be willing to experiment with who I invite into my life and carefully consider the variables on their side of the equation. I have to risk trial and error, and be patient with myself (and him) in the process. I have to be willing to let him go, to be let go of myself, but also to accept any lessons that come from the experience if the math just doesn’t quite add up. And sometimes it just doesn’t add up the way we’d like. Relationships don’t have to be pass/fail, even when they end. Those lessons should never be wasted.
Dating and relationships at midlife are certainly more challenging than working through a complex math problem on paper. I can’t erase what didn’t work out the way I’d hoped, and I wouldn’t erase it even if I could. I’ve learned important lessons through my ex-husband, the guys I dated before him, and the relationships I’ve had post-divorce. I’ve needed time, space, and permission to keep doing the work involved in sorting things out. With the right mindset, the trial and error involved might even be fun.
Here is what I know already: The man who is right for me will have invested his own time and effort in learning about himself, and he will have done that for him, not just because he wanted to date me. He will have a growth mindset, knowing that each of us is ever-evolving, and be just as invested as I am in being a whole person with an intact heart, rather than a fraction of a man who is uncomfortable with his own variables. I’ve come to this realization slowly as I grow more comfortable with myself and my post-divorce life; as I met new people, had new experiences, and learned what is important to me now in a relationship. I am whole with or without a partner, greater than the sum of my own parts, embracing the work it takes to sharpen my skills, and at peace with the realization that there is no one right or wrong answer when it comes to evaluating the value of relationships.
Math was never my favorite subject, but I think it’s helpful to analyze new relationships in this way. Instead of focusing on the answer, take a long look at the ways the equation does or doesn’t come together. And while you’re at it, enjoy the homework, ladies. There are some important lessons we can all learn from dating, but the most important one to remember is that you are wholly complete already, whether or not you add someone new into your life.
