Adventures in Online Dating: IRL Dating Lessons
Read the signs.
When writing about your own adventures in online dating, at some point you have to stop procrastinating and go on an actual date. Lord knows I had been tippy-toeing around this whole dating thing for long enough. Since I had already crafted my profile, paid for membership, and told my friends I was finally doing this, the time had come to set up my first date. Let me tell you about the first guy I met through eHarmony; Let’s call him “Aidan.”
Because I cast a big net when I set my distance parameters with eHarmony, most of the men in my feed were not in the city where I live. Aidan lived about 1.5 hours away; in retrospect, this worked well for me and my “slow to enter the water” tendencies. Because of the distance, we chatted in the app, texted, and had a few phone conversations before our calendars aligned to meet for the first time.
Notice what characteristics you are attracted to.
Within a couple of days of signing up for eHarmony, Aidan sent me a DM in the app. While I couldn’t tell much about my attraction to him from his pictures, I was immediately attracted to his clever manner of communicating, self-deprecating sense of humor, and how he wove his faith into our chats, sharing vulnerably how God had used his divorce for good in his life.
I noticed early on that our texting style was similar, so I felt comfortable being my wordy self rather than trying to change my natural way of speaking to match his; this definitely worked for me. Several blogs on dating recommended keeping your texts short and to the point and to match your communication style to that of the man you are talking to (keep it brief, deep, casual, emotional, or humorous). Advice that I have mixed feelings about TBH now that I am doing this IRL.
I definitely see value in learning to pay attention to how the other person communicates through text. Whether talking in person or online messaging, you want to work with the natural flow of conversation. Keep your texts short to begin with. If they are curious and want to know more, they will respond…or not.
I still have mixed feelings on the piece of advice about adjusting my personal style and pace to that of my match. Who are these experts and are they really telling me I need to change to suit someone else? If so, that doesn’t work for me. I’ve spent enough of my life trying to change myself to meet someone else’s expectations (been there, done that, and it suuuucks). I want to find someone whose style and pace of communication are compatible with mine, so this is just something to be aware of and find the balance between the two.
I noticed many qualities in Aidan that I highly value. Our communication flowed well; he was a great listener and shared vulnerably. He appeared to be a loving, present, and dedicated father, and faith was an important part of his life and journey. He demonstrated good manners (like asking “May I call you?”), consideration, curiosity, and made it clear he doesn’t expect me to pursue him. After years of chasing my ex in an effort to save our marriage, I want to learn how to leave space for someone else to pursue me. That’s a lesson with a lot of layers to it - deep ones like trusting that I am worth the pursuit and more surface level ones like slowing down the pace of my responses to texts. Last but not least, he was clever, well read, and made me laugh a lot, both in texts and phone calls. For the most part, I enjoyed talking with him.
Notice what characteristics you retreat from. This tells you more about you than it does about him.
While there were some ways we were compatible, there were some important incompatibilities too. I noted early on that he appeared to have a lack of confidence in who he is. For one thing, he told me that I’m “out of his reach” when we were on the phone. If he doesn’t believe in himself, who am I to argue? This is not a match for where I am in my life now. I am finally feeling confident in who God made me to be and what I have to offer in a relationship. I want someone who is in a similar place in his own life. A favorite saying comes to mind: “Your job is never to convince someone that you are worthy of their time or affection.” I don’t want to have to convince someone that I am worthy of their attention, not to mention convince someone else that they are worthy of mine. Been there, done that…and again, it suuuucked.
My faith is very important to me and has been a transformative influence on my life, but I recognized some important differences in how we talked about spirituality and religion. Some of that can be attributed to upbringing, but it was really more than that. I realized that these differences were rather significant when I found myself retreating from rather than deepening these conversations. I have realized that I want to be “equally yoked” and hope this process, this adventure in dating, will help me determine what that looks and feels like for me.
He had a tendency to look too far into the future, which felt both out of place and inconsistent with how I am trying to live. My yoga teacher-self is always bringing my thoughts back to the present as that is where I have power, influence, and choice. He repeatedly said ”if we were dating then…” Since we hadn’t even met in person, this seemed out of place and I felt myself withdraw, not knowing how to respond.
Maya Angelou once said “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” During one of our phone chats, Aidan said that he’s not sure he can truly love someone, that he might be too selfish. While he didn’t get the opportunity to show me this side of himself, I got the message. I think it is important to listen when someone tells you about who they are so you aren’t surprised when they do show up exactly as they said they would.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
Schedule an in-person meet up as early as possible.
Beyond the initial exchanges within the platform, go ahead and schedule a meet up of some kind. An online dating profile and all the texts in the world won’t add up to much if the attraction isn’t there, so prioritize a face to face meeting early on. Attraction and chemistry, while hard to quantify, are important to figure out. I learned in a previous dating experience that I can’t ignore not having chemistry with someone. No matter how much I like a guy, if I don’t want to kiss him, then we shouldn’t be dating.
Aidan lived out of town and we had several calendar conflicts, so it was about 3 weeks before we met in person. Although we didn’t seem to be compatible in certain areas, I decided to meet him with an open mind and to enjoy an hour or so of conversation before making any further decisions.
As soon as I saw Aidan walk into the restaurant, I knew we weren’t a match. It was an intuitive knowing, not an intellectual one, but all of the pieces of the puzzle I’d collected fit together to form a simple, quiet, inner no. I struggled with this awareness throughout our conversation, not knowing what to do other than just finish my drink, and leave as soon as politely possible. I really hadn’t expected such a clear answer, nor the wave of sadness that followed.
While I held my feelings at bay until we parted ways, once I got home I allowed them to rise. Feel it to free it, I once read. The moment I walked into my quiet, empty house, hot tears of disappointment, frustration, and loneliness welled up in my eyes. Part of it was the realization, once again, that finding my needle in the haystack was going to take time and patience. I didn’t know beforehand that I had expectations of this first date, but the tears and my feelings showed me differently. I realized that if I was going to find my fit I was going to have to have more mediocre wine and polite conversation.
Take time to discern personal lessons from the experiences you have with someone.
Through journaling, I recognized a lot more was going on for me than just a first meetup, and this played into my feelings upon meeting him. Confession time: in the 10 days before meeting Aidan in person, I had learned that my ex was going to propose to his girlfriend. In retrospect, I possibly wanted to go out on a date, any date, to escape the feelings about his engagement and familiar chorus of voices in my head that were unleashed -- you’re alone, no one wants you, he (my ex) has a partner and you don’t. I can see how some of these feelings got rolled into unrealistic expectations for what meeting Aidan would feel like and what it would lead to (someone to date, not just meet). I was frustrated with myself for my feelings and unrealistic expectations for a first meeting. My sadness had nothing to do with who Aidan was and everything to do with a layer of grief left over from my divorce.
This is baggage that I don’t want to carry into dating, so I needed to unpack it and not bring it along. Feel it to free it.
I can give myself grace for not seeing this in light of the circumstances, but I will feel better if I date from a position of strength, not weakness. I can’t expect someone else to get rid of the negative voices in my head; only I can do that work. It's also not healthy or fair for me to use dating to prop up my ego in fragile times. I’d prefer to figure out how to make my way through hard times without dragging another person and their own mix of wounds and feelings into mine.
Learn to say no thank you
A few days after our date, I learned how to say “no thank you” to seeing Aidan again. I didn’t have the courage to do so on the phone, but I think I did a pretty good job of this via text. I shared some of the attributes I valued in him, thanked him for being so intentional about pursuing time with me, and explained that I didn’t see us going any further. It was kind, clear, and final, without room for misinterpretation.
While I definitely don’t have this all figured out yet, it has clearly brought up a complex web of thoughts and just plain old feelings. Writing has been a way for me to find myself out of that web in the past, so that is the tool I will use to not only find my way, but to possibly help you find yours by sharing about it. I am determined to keep moving forward. To feel my feelings, and then to free myself of the ones that are not serving me well.