Adventures in Online Dating: Angling for a Nice Catch on eHarmony

Am I fishing with the right gear?

Every adventure in online dating starts with picking a platform then getting to know how it works. While I’ve moved past my first observations about eHarmony, other important lessons are coming to the surface; let me share what I am learning.

Unrealistic expectations revealed

I have to admit that it is possible that I have not maximized my experience on the platform yet. I am not willing to make this a full time job, which evidently some people do. I honestly spend about 20 minutes or so a day maximum, and some days much less than that, so I might have unrealistic expectations about what is a reasonable return on my time investment.

That being said, I am wondering if I am fishing in the right pond with the right gear, so to speak. It may be that I entered into this with unrealistic expectations in this area too. I was expecting the matching algorithm to funnel “attractive, compatible men” straight into my net. What I hadn’t expected is how many fish are in this pond that I do NOT want to catch.

At first, I thought this was due to poor filtering within the algorithm, but really I think it is more a matter of coming to terms with a truth of online dating that I didn’t recognize beforehand. Algorithms are not mind-readers, and their filters can only go so far. When it comes to attraction, I am going to have to do my own filtering. It can filter for lots of things that may factor into attraction (age, height, ethnicity, education, self-reported attributes and interests), and can present a pool of individuals that has already been narrowed for me, but I have to take it from there. 

This feels like an important lesson to emphasize. There is no perfect platform or algorithm –  those of us who decide to do online dating have to invest in our OWN filtering process. So YOU have to be prepared to be the most important filter.  You have to sort through a lot (read that again: A LOT) of profiles to find those that match your priorities, preferences, and to whom you feel some sort of attraction. Think of looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack. Even the most sophisticated algorithm and advanced AI can’t do it for you; you have to be ready to do the sorting and filtering yourself.  

“There is no perfect platform or algorithm – those of us who decide to do online dating have to invest in our OWN filtering process.”

Filtering: Compatibility and attraction 

Even though I have recognized my unrealistic expectations, I’m still not quite sure how much I value the eHarmony Compatibility Scores. This score is based on the way members answer the platform’s personality questionnaire and is an indication of how you compare to other members on 32 personality traits. Anything over a score of 100 is an indication that you and the other person have compatible personalities; they encourage you to see what you have in common and if there is mutual interest. What I have noticed is that, while there may be many potential matches based upon this score, I am just not seeing many candidates that I am interested in getting to know. 

While I hate to overvalue attraction, the truth is that a connection to someone always starts with attraction, especially in looking at online dating profiles. There has to be something about the guy’s profile that I find attractive, whether that is his photo, his personality (so far as I can tell), things that we have in common, or a combination of all of these. 

If you think about all of this IRL circumstances, I can notice an attraction to someone standing in the same line at Starbucks based on lots of different factors - his physical appearance, his smile, his eyes, how he makes conversation with the people around him, his energy, the way he dresses or carries himself, or other clues about him that are apparent in what you see. There has to be something to which I feel an attraction, or else I’m not compelled to seek further connection.

Scanning through the profiles, I’m just not attracted to many of them, therefore it is hard to get excited about meeting people this way. Many men don’t smile, which I really just don’t get. Isn’t a smile the quickest way to express interest in someone if they catch your eye across a room? Maybe there is a different narrative in a man’s head about what a smile conveys? I know I’m a sucker for a glowing smile and happy eyes. That at least compels me to read the profile, looking for other reasons to connect. But maybe this is just a personal preference. Personal preferences trump all else when it comes to finding your way through online dating.

The eHarmony selection of profiles also reveal differences in education, occupation, and interests that are not compatible with what I am looking for in a partner. Additionally, many of the presented candidates live out of town. I see the education filter as an eHarmony shortcoming, as the only options are “By compatibility level,” “All,” or “Exactly my level of education,” and that isn’t filtering adequately for me. “Education” can mean lots of different things.

It took me a while to figure out that I had cast too big a net when setting up the distance parameters. I didn’t understand that the options were actually: a) within a set number of miles from your location, or b) everywhere else in the US. I was really surprised to get messages from all across the country when I thought I was only opening it up to see who was using eHarmony  within my state. Texas is quite big enough, thank you. That being said, changing the distance parameters shrinks the pond, but not the types of fish in the pond; I’m still left wondering if I am fishing in the right pond with the right net.

This brings me back to the issue of attraction. I want to do this in a way that reflects the value I place on all of the factors that contribute to attraction, not just how someone looks. I value what is on the inside much more than what is on the outside, after all. The outside is going to continue to age, but the inside can continue to bloom. Scanning through profiles of age appropriate men has helped me refine my own personal definition of “attractive.” The truth is that just as most women don’t fit the media’s idealized version of attractive, neither do most men. And, thinking back over my dating history (including the man I married), who knows if I would have found them attractive based solely on dating profile photos. It's important to consider all the information, not just the photos, when trying to decide if I want to engage at all with someone. Chats don’t have to lead anywhere I don’t want them to. I need to remember that too.

“The puzzle pieces that you put back in the box are not bad pieces, it just means they aren’t the fit you are looking for. ”

An emotional side to sorting and filtering

I didn’t realize how much work it would be to read through and discard near-misses and obvious hard-passes so I could create a pool of strong possibilities. There is an emotional edge to this that I didn’t expect. In each face I see someone with a heart that has somehow been hurt and yet is still bravely seeking love. There is a ruthless feeling to “discarding” them, as if my rejection of them is personal. It most certainly isn’t, and goes back to me remembering that I can’t take others' rejection of me personally either. Truth be told, in dating at any age, it is like searching for one particular puzzle piece in the box that really fits with who you are. It is something that takes patience and lots of trial and error. That doesn’t make the puzzle pieces that you put back in the box bad pieces, it just means they aren’t the fit you are looking for. 

I did view a few profiles of men that I would be interested in chatting with, but truth be told, they did not respond to my messages. Ooof. Initially, my ego took this as a bit of a blow, but really it is just a reminder that being filtered out isn’t rejection; I just didn’t fit their criteria. I don’t have to be everyone’s cup of tea, and I will trust God that the men who are meant to cross my path will do so. I have to show up and do some work (like write a profile and invest some time in the process), but what happens from there is not 100% dependent upon me. I don’t control all the ingredients, therefore I can’t control the outcome.

I have noticed that men on the platform often indicate interest simply by “liking” some aspect of my profile without making any attempt to initiate a conversation. There appears to be some expectation that I would then reply, which seems somewhat awkward. (“Hi! I see that you liked my profile, was it my eyes or my smile you were responding to?”) I get that all of this is pretty uncomfortable for everyone and makes us both feel vulnerable. I’m sitting in those same shoes too. But that’s like me being in the Starbucks line, noticing some guy giving me a thumbs up from across the room, and then being expected to walk over to him to initiate a conversation. That is just not gonna happen. I decided pretty quickly that I am not going to reply to someone unless they send a personalized message, and if I am the one doing the “liking,” I will follow up with a personal message of my own. If I’m gonna do this, I’m going to be bolder than a thumbs up.

By that same token, I have to think carefully about how I respond to those who do send a personalized note if I don’t see a possibility of being interested in them. It is a dating platform after all. This has been difficult for me to wrestle with. The reality is that if what he has shared on his profile does not attract me, that’s pretty much all I have to work with; so I shouldn't waste his time or mine by engaging in conversation. 

I can’t say that I have done this perfectly. The truth is, I don’t yet know the etiquette of online dating. I’m just figuring it out as I go and trying to give myself and others a whole lot of grace.

The fun side of the process

It has been fun to discover that what I am searching for in a man can be revealed through how he writes his profile. For example, I live an active and healthy lifestyle, so that is a priority for me in a partner. I also want someone with emotional and spiritual depth with whom I can have clever, intelligent conversations. I seem to have a greater feeling of connection with (and attraction to) men who take the time to intentionally weave these things into their profiles. 

I find that I respect those that have provided insightful information and thorough answers to the website’s canned questions, versus just the requisite photos. It gives me a broader picture of who they are and what we might have in common. Maybe I’ll get around to answering more questions on my own profile; after all, as the saying goes, be the person you want to attract. 

Back to fishing in this pond

For now my plan is to continue to give eHarmony a chance. There is still much for me to learn about online dating and this is just as good a place as any for me to do so. Sticking with my fishing analogy, there are lots of lessons I can learn about bait, lures, and lines before I decide a location change is in order. And I need to be patient. All fishermen know that it's called fishing, not catching; that seems to apply to online dating too.